minhpho

"Who? Who is but the form following the function of what and what I am is a man in a mask."

I've come to accept something lately. Who I am and the person that people see me as are becoming very different. However, the thing that has changed isn't the person people see me as, it's the person that I am. The past half year or so have really affected me in ways I never thought would happen to me. Especially recently. Honestly I'm afraid of the future me. But enough with the future, that's all yet to come. Me. I'm going to talk about me. Isn't that exciting?

I actually wrote that first paragraph a couple weeks ago and now I have a little different idea. I mean sure time has gone by and I've changed with time, but relative to my context I don't really believe I have changed or matured. I believe that I am almost the same person now in context with college as I was a freshman in high school. I know it's probably a little confusing as to what I'm trying to say, but in my mind it makes sense. Now that I think about it, that's how a lot of things are with me. My thoughts make perfect sense to me, but when I try to actually verbalize them I sound like a rambling idiot. Back to the main point at hand, I've come to a few conclusions about things lately. One, I really am a needy person despite what anyone else thinks. What I expect of people is usually always more than what should be expected of people. I need certain things from friends and people in order to be happy. Not even happy really, more like the illusion of being happy. I'm not quite sure how to explain what I mean by I'm a needy person. I just am.

Two, I don't forgive or forget all the time. What I mean is I'll forgive someone or something, but I won't forget it. However, since I don't forget it I start to get mad or sad or angry or whatever about it again and stop forgiving the person for it. It's a vicious cycle. I'd like to think I do forgive and forget things about people, but it's just not me anymore. I'll always remember things people did to me. If it's something good though there's nothing to forgive is there? Keep that in mind.

Three, I'm quite pathetic. Yeah yeah it's all about self-esteem and yadda yadda. The things I do all the time scream I have no life and I'm pathetic. Especially when it comes to certain things in my life. At least I've come to accept it. I'd go into details about examples and such, but those things I'm not ready to share yet.

Four, life's being a bitch right now. In many different ways.

Lastly, no one ever wants to let go of something that they hold dear.

I was just watching House and one of the conversations in the episode was good. Basically the background is that a girl got raped and she and House were talking about the pain. The girl says that time will heal everything. We all know that saying that time does heal everything. As bad as anything will ever get, just give it time and you'll feel better. I personally think that's bullshit. I agree with House's reply to that more. He says that doing things changes things. Not doing things leaves things exactly the same. It's actually making that first step to change things and the patience to follow through with that first step that's the most difficult part of healing. Maybe I really am just sitting here waiting for things to change without realizing it.

"Some people come into our lives and quickly go. Some stay for awhile and leave footprints on our hearts. And we are never, ever the same."

As much as I would like to believe this, it's not always true. People come and go into people's lives countless times and even if they do stay awhile, they don't always leave a mark on us. A few weeks ago, this random kid friended me on facebook. Now usually I just ignore random friend requests from people I don't know and if they're from Marriotts Ridge I just accept it even though I might not know them. All those underclassmen going facebook crazy. Anyways, it was different this time bcause this guy sent me a message along with the friend request. Totally didn't realize you could send people a message you weren't friends with. So he sends this message asking if I went to the Julia Brown Montessori School. By now I'm thinking...this is kinda weird. I replied that yeah I did go to that montessori school and I asked how he knew that. He replied with that we were the best of friends from Montessori school until 2nd grade when he moved. Apparently it was one of those everyday is a playdate type of friendship. This got me thinking, how do I not remember any of this? It's not even that I can't remember back that far. I remember a few little things from back that long ago that seem quite random, but I can't remember my apparent best friend? What's up with that? You'd think my only friend from that age would've had a lasting impression on me.

All that makes me wonder who else in my life right now will eventually move on and who will stay in my life. Who will truly make an impression on my life? In 40, 50 years who will i remember as being important to me? I honestly hope to not lose who I'm friends with at this moment. I hate drifting apart from people.

Something else has been on my mind lately. I've wondered why people cheat on their significant other. I mean if you're gonna cheat on the person, you obviously don't love them so why be with them? If you're with that person still for physical reasons that's just shallow. I don't really like where most relationships these days are going. Many of them are not based on love for the other person. I'm not saying every relationship is like that, just quite a few. Like for example, I heard about this couple from a friend that have been going out for two years. So you think that if they've been dating that long there's obviously gotta be something there. Nope. The guy broke up with the girl because they were going to college. Apparently he basically said that he didn't trust himself enough not to cheat on her while at college. I mean like wtf? Seriously? I hope that as a society we really aren't that shallow, but everyday I see more and more reasons that we are all indeed shallow. I don't think anyone is completely devoid of shallowness though you may think you are. As a society we base a lot of things off of personal appearance. That's what 99% of the people look for. Think about it, when you first see or meet someone, you immediately form an opinion about them. What's the thing people look at first? The person's looks and how they dress. Apparently people think that's the best way to judge people. Not gonna lie, I'm guilty of doing that too. Some people say that it's a biological thing for the way we base things off of looks and that we are attracted to and tend to go for people who are attractive because it's instinctual that that is the indication for a good mate. I think it's just an excuse. This posted started off much better than it ended.

Also, apparently I'm going clubbing sometime this summer. I can't see myself clubbing. What did I get myself into?

I really want to take a trip somewhere this summer.

"Life isn't about finding yourself; it's about creating yourself."

I don't know why I'm posting on blogspot really. As if I don't spend enough time on the internet and computer as it is with facebook, xanga, aim, and other random things. Actually now that I think about it, it's not even that I'm really addicted to my computer and internet, I just have nothing else better to do with my time. Every now and then though I'll find something slightly less boring than going to the same websites over and over again. Like yesterday for example. I cleaned my drawers underneath my bed for about an hour instead of going on the computer. In doing so I came across a bunch of my school work from 7th grade. That's right. 7th grade. Doesn't that seem like forever ago? That's like what, 12 years old? Sadly, my handwriting has only improved a little bit since then. It's legible at least, but messy. Anyways, in my effort to throw out some things I was looking through my notes to see if there was anything worth saving and I came across my 7th grade Reading class notebook. On a sidenote, really? Reading class? Did they really have to separate that from English? Ok well back to my main point, in this notebook there were a bunch of quotes that we had to write reflections for. I really like some of the quotes and so I kept it. the quote at the beginning of this is one of the quotes I found. I'd go into the reflection I wrote for it in 7th grade, but it's too stupid. I basically said the same thing over and over again for what I thought the quote meant. Then for how it applied to me...yeah...let's just say my writing has gotten much better at least. I ended every single reflection in that class with "That's how it applies to my life." Original. While throwing everything out, it came across my mind again how much trouble I have letting things go. Everytime I threw something out it felt like I was throwing away something important. Now that it's all thrown out though, it's not that bad. That's just old schoolwork though. It's not that bad or hard to let go. I know I've talked a little bit about how I hold onto things before and it's probably getting a little annoying to people. It's getting ridiculous at times for me too. I'm pretty pathetic sometimes. Most of the time. All the time. Let's go with sometimes. If it isn't worth it in the end...