minhpho

"Who? Who is but the form following the function of what and what I am is a man in a mask."

I've come to accept something lately. Who I am and the person that people see me as are becoming very different. However, the thing that has changed isn't the person people see me as, it's the person that I am. The past half year or so have really affected me in ways I never thought would happen to me. Especially recently. Honestly I'm afraid of the future me. But enough with the future, that's all yet to come. Me. I'm going to talk about me. Isn't that exciting?

I actually wrote that first paragraph a couple weeks ago and now I have a little different idea. I mean sure time has gone by and I've changed with time, but relative to my context I don't really believe I have changed or matured. I believe that I am almost the same person now in context with college as I was a freshman in high school. I know it's probably a little confusing as to what I'm trying to say, but in my mind it makes sense. Now that I think about it, that's how a lot of things are with me. My thoughts make perfect sense to me, but when I try to actually verbalize them I sound like a rambling idiot. Back to the main point at hand, I've come to a few conclusions about things lately. One, I really am a needy person despite what anyone else thinks. What I expect of people is usually always more than what should be expected of people. I need certain things from friends and people in order to be happy. Not even happy really, more like the illusion of being happy. I'm not quite sure how to explain what I mean by I'm a needy person. I just am.

Two, I don't forgive or forget all the time. What I mean is I'll forgive someone or something, but I won't forget it. However, since I don't forget it I start to get mad or sad or angry or whatever about it again and stop forgiving the person for it. It's a vicious cycle. I'd like to think I do forgive and forget things about people, but it's just not me anymore. I'll always remember things people did to me. If it's something good though there's nothing to forgive is there? Keep that in mind.

Three, I'm quite pathetic. Yeah yeah it's all about self-esteem and yadda yadda. The things I do all the time scream I have no life and I'm pathetic. Especially when it comes to certain things in my life. At least I've come to accept it. I'd go into details about examples and such, but those things I'm not ready to share yet.

Four, life's being a bitch right now. In many different ways.

Lastly, no one ever wants to let go of something that they hold dear.

I was just watching House and one of the conversations in the episode was good. Basically the background is that a girl got raped and she and House were talking about the pain. The girl says that time will heal everything. We all know that saying that time does heal everything. As bad as anything will ever get, just give it time and you'll feel better. I personally think that's bullshit. I agree with House's reply to that more. He says that doing things changes things. Not doing things leaves things exactly the same. It's actually making that first step to change things and the patience to follow through with that first step that's the most difficult part of healing. Maybe I really am just sitting here waiting for things to change without realizing it.