minhpho

So I was watching random episodes of Scrubs on TV last night and the one in particular that led to this train of thought was, what I believe to be, the season 8 premier episode. Possibly. Whichever one Courtney Cox first comes on as Dr. Kelso’s replacement. The part that got me thinking was the whole thing between blondie and Keith. I forget which character said it, if a character even did say it because it is possible I was talking to myself in my head, but it was something along the lines of the person who does the break up hurts less than the other person because they’re ready for the decision. The other person may be hurting, but that person doesn’t want the other person to know that they’re hurting. They want to appear to be perfectly fine, happy, and moved on.

I pretty much agree with that. The person who always does the breaking up or causes the break up hurts less than the other person. I added the or part because the person who does the breaking up isn’t necessarily the one who caused it. Anyways, it’s reasonable to think that. The person who causes it has pretty much already made the decision in their mind. They've made the initiative. They’ve gotten past all the emotions. They just have to actually do it. They’re ready for it all. All while the other person, if there haven’t been signs leading up to the break up, has this bomb dropped on them that the person doesn’t like/love them anymore and that it’s over. After the person accepts that it is over, they’re most likely still hurt by it all, but they don’t want the other person to know that. So they put on a façade (I hope that’s the right word for what I was thinking) that they’ve moved on, they’re happy, and that they don’t need the other person. Some people even go so far as to get into another relationship right away just to either make the other person jealous or to show that they basically meant nothing to them. Or they try to get the other person to hurt as much as they are. Maybe even all the above.

But really though, is all that necessary? Everyone knows it’s tough to get through the end of something that was special to you so it’s okay to let it out. If you did truly like/love the other person could you really do that to them with trying to make them jealous, show them that they meant nothing to you, or to hurt them like they hurt you? I mean I can understand why someone would want to do those things or other things that I haven’t thought of, but is it worth it? Will making the other person feel just as hurt as you really make you feel better? Especially since you don’t even have the guarantee that it’ll produce the desired effect and that there are plenty of more…positive methods of coping with it.

I’ve realized that it really is up to the person on how they situation affects them. People can either take the positive or negative route with the hurt, sad feeling. The negative route is pretty obvious. There are the things I mentioned before, drugs, alcohol, physical pain, isolation, etc. There’s so many more negative paths to take and much easier for people to take. I’m not going to say which ones, but I have done/considered some of them. Definitely not one of my prouder moments, but I came out the other side. Awhile ago my mom actually told me this story of how her friend’s son (or brother, it’s been awhile I forget which it is) committed suicide when his long-term girlfriend dumped him and how I should never do that over a girl. Now at the time when I was told this story I was thinking to myself one, what was the point in telling me this and at that point in time and why would I ever do that because a girl broke up with me. However, now, at this point, it’s actually made a bigger impact than I have ever thought. Not saying I’m suicidal or anything, but it helped in other similar regards.

Now I don't think that my problems and issues are the most important thing in the world and it's all about me, but in my own little world where half the time it is all about me (I like my own little world. And no you can't come. Well maybe.) I feel like I've been through a lot. Maybe not external problems, but there have been a lot of internal issues. I'm happy to say though that I've worked out, well with the help of some very good friends of course, most of my problems. Well worked out may not be quite accurate. More like...a work in progress. Some issues people know and some people don't. Some more complex than others. Some I may need help of some friends to get through. Life's interesting isn't it?

One thing I have noticed though is the people that come and go in my life. Plenty of people do that in my life. Some I don’t even notice while others don’t leave quite so quickly or without some lasting effect on me. I’ve come to accept this more readily now. That the time certain people spend in my life is dependent on not only me, but them as well. I could try as hard as I possibly could to hold onto a friendship or someone, but if they don’t try to do the same then it’s just going to die out eventually. Shit happens. All of the people I met at my year at Towson, sad to say, I’ll probably never talk to them anymore, let alone see them or hang out. Some of the people that have really stuck by me have surprised me actually while the others who have stuck by me, I’m not surprised by that fact. Just goes to show you that you really never know where life takes you. If we broke down every time something bad happened to us, we’d lead pretty pathetic lives. I guess basically sometimes even though we want to just wallow in our misery, it’s best to just brush it off and continue on.

I’ve thought many times lately that my life is taking a new direction. The more I think about that the more I realize that while each time my life was taking a new direction, there was also more to it than just that. The whole series of twists and turns were all part of a bigger change in my life. One I didn’t know where I would end up or what was ahead of me. I have a feeling though that I’m finally through all the twists and curves. For now of course. Something just clicked last night. I don’t know what it was or why last night, but something clicked. It was basically like any other night, nothing really special about it, but when I woke up I felt different. I can’t even describe how I feel different. It’s not even that I changed inside either. It’s sort of like I got a new attitude and outlook on things. Like I could finally smile all the time and truly mean it and feel it. It could probably be best described as a state of euphoria. Then I hit a giant brick wall last night by such a tiny thing. Something that shouldn't have even affected me at all, but yet...it did. It was like rolling a snowball down a hill. I was down because of the small thing, then when I realized that tiny little thing was why I got even more down. Then I was back to square one basically so I did what I always do at night when I'm down. Watch random episodes of shows until I fall asleep. In this case I was watching episodes of Garfield. I guess sleep helped because I felt better in the morning....somewhat. I had this scary dream. I literally woke up shaking. The dream actually scares me just to think about it. It was actually quite a long dream and really random in the beginning so I'm just skipping to the end. For some reason, Colleen and Kelsey were over at my house and they were on a laptop surfing the web looking at what I think were pictures of tattoos. Don't really remember. Then I heard something up stairs so I went to go check what it was. When I got upstairs Anthony apparently had a nightmare and was sweating and everything so I took him to the bathroom. When we got there he was still shaking and his eyes were all shifty too so I asked him how many fingers I was holding up. He just raised his hand slightly and kept muttering "No more." So naturally I was extremely freaked out by now and looked over at him and I see a metal pole sticking out from his temple. It then fell out and I just saw a bloody hole. At that point I woke up shaking, thinking to myself Holy shit among other things. Needless to say, that got me out of bed. That was probably one of the most vivid dreams I've ever had that I remembered after I woke up. And the most messed up too. Probably the first time I've actually told one of my dreams. Well part of one.

Why do I seem to get my train of thoughts out much better at work while I’m supposed to be working? I guess you just can’t force yourself to open up sometimes. A lot of people I talked to recently said it’s always better to open up to someone. I started thinking about why I really don’t tend to open up and a few quick reasons came to mind. Not feeling comfortable, shy, the subject of conversation, etc. Then, one reason popped into my head that I never even thought about before. One that I feel is semi-big. That’s what she said. Sorry. Anyways, it’s that I feel like if I open up and share everything about me to someone, in order to feel better or work through my problems or whatnot, that they’ll judge me and maybe not think so highly of me anymore. I know that a true friend wouldn’t mind those things at all and yadda yadda. I honestly don’t know the real me either.

Another thought just occurred to me that I never really thought about before. I’d have to say that pretty much for a majority of my life, I’ve been changing myself to find friends. It’s sad to realize I used to do that. I feel though that all that trying to fit in nonsense caused me to focus more on latching onto other people’s interests and such. Well I guess latching is too negative of a word. More like…taking in. And now I’m having trouble really finding out what I’m interested in. What I like. What I dislike. All that. It’s troubling that I’m making this realization now. That all this time, I really don’t know the real me. That maybe, just maybe, everything I am, want, like (okay maybe not everything) is just what I’ve taken in over the years or is what’s expected of me.

At times I feel that some of these conclusions or thoughts I get may just be stretches I'm making just to make sense of things or to just make myself feel better. Like my brain is trying to find a logical reason as wo why things are a certain way in my life or why I''m feeling a certain way. Maybe it's just all in my head. It is quite possible. I do tend to overthink things...a lot...a whole lot. Another thought, have I really gotten happier now or have I just gotten better at hiding or surpressing it. Eh I'm probably just being ridiculous.
I don't know what the point of getting all of this out and posting it other than that I was bored at work. I do feel better lately though. It's been more uphill than downhill even though there have been both. One thing I have noticed the past few days/week is that I've been more content with myself. All issues aside, just myself. I don't know exactly how to describe what I'm content with exactly.

I'm just gonna smile =)