minhpho

“I start to feel like I can’t maintain the facade any longer, that I may just start to show through. And I wish I knew what was wrong. Maybe something about how stupid my whole life is. I don’t know. Why does the rest of the world put up with the hypocrisy, the need to put a happy face on sorrow, the need to keep on keeping on?... I don’t know the answer, I know only that I can’t. I don't want any more vicissitudes, I don't want any more of this try, try again stuff. I just want out. I’ve had it. I am so tired. I am twenty and I am already exhausted.” -Elizabeth Wurtzel


So it's 5:11 when I'm starting this post that I've decided I'm actually going to finish. I have like over 20 drafts just sitting unfinished that I doubt I'll ever get back to, but we'll see. Anyways I've decided that before I go to sleep I'm going to actually update with a post about something. About what I haven't quite decided yet so we'll just have to see where my train of thought leads this post. I started out this semester with high hopes and a good sense of purpose, but I can say that now I don't have any of that. I'm no longer excited about this semester and I'm back to where I was last semester and last year. The thing is, I have a pretty good idea as to why I'm in this funk right now except I can barely admit it to myself let alone others. I just wonder to myself will I be able to accept this thing and do something about it or just keep it to myself like always and just let it pass me by. I honestly don't want to regret anything and I feel that that fear is what really gets me a lot of the time in making my decisions, even minor ones like what to eat for lunch. I don't want to pick something and then regret going down that path because there is no turning back. This just leads to my incredible indecisiveness for everything. This is one of the hardest things to change about myself and I feel as though I'll never get over this. This and being more self-confident/proactive about my life. It's hard to change who you are no matter how much you want. I just feel as though these are the obstacles that are standing in the way between me now and the me that's actually legit 100% happy and content with his life for more than a day.