"We hate some persons because we do not know them; and we will not know them because we hate them." -Charles Caleb Colton
Day Five: A time I thought about ending my own life.
I'll be honest here. At one point in my life I have considered it. It was a....troubling time. The reason why I haven't posted an entry for a few days was that I was considering how much to actually I was actually gonna say about this subject. Well mostly I was just looking back on this time when I was at my lowest point. Everyone has their off days and they usually bounce back after a couple of days or so then they're back to their usual selves. For me though the off "day" just never seemed to go away. Nothing, and I mean absolutely nothing, was making me happy or even just content. I always just kept thinking to myself this feeling has got to end soon right? My normal state can't possibly be this depressed. Then of course with the addition of doing poorly in school due to my depressed state, which lead to a downward spiral cause I would feel even worse about doing poorly in school and the cycle would continue. Basically the only thing healthy during this time was my physical health. I would go to the gym to work out to get those endorphins going and to just release some stress, anger, and feelings of laziness.
In health class we've learned about depression and suicide. We learned the symptoms and signs and how to help others who were going through it. Of course the actual experience of it changes it all. None of the things I learned about in health pointed me in that direction. I just knew that I felt like shit all the time and it wasn't improving. I knew that I felt like my life was pointless. I knew that I felt like no one cared. Then the scariest thought I've ever had crossed my mind. What if I ended it? What if I took the selfish, easy way out and ended my life? Obviously I didn't do that. The weird thing to me is that usually you hear about people who can't do it because they end up being too afraid of dying to actually go through with it. They don't have an easy way to actually do it. For me though, the reasons why I didn't actually go through with it is that I didn't want to burden the people I know. My parents would still have to pay my student loans, I'd probably make a mess of something they'd have to clean, just stupid things like that. The biggest reason though was that I actually feel like I scared myself out of doing it. This entire time I was just focusing on how I was feeling at the moment and that was all that mattered. After those first thoughts of actually ending my life I just thought to myself holy shit did that really just cross my mind? The fact that I actually went down that train of thought scared me. For awhile I still felt the same, but after some time I started to improve my mood. And that people is time when I considered ending my life. Horrible and depressing yes, but at least I came through. I'm thankful for that.
Day Five: A time I thought about ending my own life.
I'll be honest here. At one point in my life I have considered it. It was a....troubling time. The reason why I haven't posted an entry for a few days was that I was considering how much to actually I was actually gonna say about this subject. Well mostly I was just looking back on this time when I was at my lowest point. Everyone has their off days and they usually bounce back after a couple of days or so then they're back to their usual selves. For me though the off "day" just never seemed to go away. Nothing, and I mean absolutely nothing, was making me happy or even just content. I always just kept thinking to myself this feeling has got to end soon right? My normal state can't possibly be this depressed. Then of course with the addition of doing poorly in school due to my depressed state, which lead to a downward spiral cause I would feel even worse about doing poorly in school and the cycle would continue. Basically the only thing healthy during this time was my physical health. I would go to the gym to work out to get those endorphins going and to just release some stress, anger, and feelings of laziness.
In health class we've learned about depression and suicide. We learned the symptoms and signs and how to help others who were going through it. Of course the actual experience of it changes it all. None of the things I learned about in health pointed me in that direction. I just knew that I felt like shit all the time and it wasn't improving. I knew that I felt like my life was pointless. I knew that I felt like no one cared. Then the scariest thought I've ever had crossed my mind. What if I ended it? What if I took the selfish, easy way out and ended my life? Obviously I didn't do that. The weird thing to me is that usually you hear about people who can't do it because they end up being too afraid of dying to actually go through with it. They don't have an easy way to actually do it. For me though, the reasons why I didn't actually go through with it is that I didn't want to burden the people I know. My parents would still have to pay my student loans, I'd probably make a mess of something they'd have to clean, just stupid things like that. The biggest reason though was that I actually feel like I scared myself out of doing it. This entire time I was just focusing on how I was feeling at the moment and that was all that mattered. After those first thoughts of actually ending my life I just thought to myself holy shit did that really just cross my mind? The fact that I actually went down that train of thought scared me. For awhile I still felt the same, but after some time I started to improve my mood. And that people is time when I considered ending my life. Horrible and depressing yes, but at least I came through. I'm thankful for that.
0 comments