minhpho

“To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.” -Lewis B. Smedes


Why is forgiveness sometimes so hard to do? Well I came across this list online that I feel hits it pretty much right on the head.

1. We're often reluctant to let go of our anger. Pretty self explanatory.
   
2. We want to satisfy our sense of justice. Basically if we don't believe that the person deserves to be forgiven, then we're inclined to avoid forgiving them as a way of showing that we don't condone what they did to us.
   
3. Forgiveness may feel like letting our offender off the hook without punishment. Again, pretty self explanatory.
   
4. We wish to harm as we've been harmed. Like the saying goes, "An eye for an eye." Since it would probably be hard to do what they did to you back to them, you feel harboring this grudge and these negative feelings towards them as the next best thing.
   
5. They haven't apologized. A genuine apology goes a long way. Not one of those half assed ones that you only do because you have to. If they don't apologize we feel they don't feel bad about what they did so why should we forgive them?
   
6. When someone commits an injustice, we often cease to see or believe they could be capable of any good. This is the only one on the list I don't fully agree with. It's basically saying that once we get this bad experience with that person that we just start seeing them in a negative light all the time now. I think it happens a bit, but not all the time.

I feel that even knowing all of these are true with me, well minus number 6 really, I still find it hard to forgive. I don't know why really.

“There's no half-singing in the shower, you're either a rock star or an opera diva.” -Josh Groban

It's been awhile. So today I was jamming to A Whole New World in my car today and a thought came to me. I'm perfectly happy waiting for my special someone. I'm fine with that because I've realized that I've been trying to hard to find my girl. I shouldn't be doing anything at all. Well I don't really mean nothing at all, you gotta put some work into a relationship, but I mean I shouldn't have to do anything to get the right girl to like me. We should just...click. Like putting two puzzle pieces together. Or putting macaroni with cheese. It just works. Thus I've come to terms with that and will wait for the right girl for me =) Once I find that girl though I'm gonna make sure to not let her go. Not in the creeperish stalker way though. In the not taking for granted and treating her right not letting her go. I can't wait to meet the person I share that sort of connection with. I thought I felt something like it (wasn't it of course, but close), but that was just a mess. I wasn't ready to be that open and vulnerable with someone else and I paid the price. However, at least I learned that I wasn't ready for it. It is sad how it turned out, but whatever, it's in the past now. I ought to jam out to disney songs more. Maybe I'll get more flashes of inspiration.

So I was watching random episodes of Scrubs on TV last night and the one in particular that led to this train of thought was, what I believe to be, the season 8 premier episode. Possibly. Whichever one Courtney Cox first comes on as Dr. Kelso’s replacement. The part that got me thinking was the whole thing between blondie and Keith. I forget which character said it, if a character even did say it because it is possible I was talking to myself in my head, but it was something along the lines of the person who does the break up hurts less than the other person because they’re ready for the decision. The other person may be hurting, but that person doesn’t want the other person to know that they’re hurting. They want to appear to be perfectly fine, happy, and moved on.

I pretty much agree with that. The person who always does the breaking up or causes the break up hurts less than the other person. I added the or part because the person who does the breaking up isn’t necessarily the one who caused it. Anyways, it’s reasonable to think that. The person who causes it has pretty much already made the decision in their mind. They've made the initiative. They’ve gotten past all the emotions. They just have to actually do it. They’re ready for it all. All while the other person, if there haven’t been signs leading up to the break up, has this bomb dropped on them that the person doesn’t like/love them anymore and that it’s over. After the person accepts that it is over, they’re most likely still hurt by it all, but they don’t want the other person to know that. So they put on a façade (I hope that’s the right word for what I was thinking) that they’ve moved on, they’re happy, and that they don’t need the other person. Some people even go so far as to get into another relationship right away just to either make the other person jealous or to show that they basically meant nothing to them. Or they try to get the other person to hurt as much as they are. Maybe even all the above.

But really though, is all that necessary? Everyone knows it’s tough to get through the end of something that was special to you so it’s okay to let it out. If you did truly like/love the other person could you really do that to them with trying to make them jealous, show them that they meant nothing to you, or to hurt them like they hurt you? I mean I can understand why someone would want to do those things or other things that I haven’t thought of, but is it worth it? Will making the other person feel just as hurt as you really make you feel better? Especially since you don’t even have the guarantee that it’ll produce the desired effect and that there are plenty of more…positive methods of coping with it.

I’ve realized that it really is up to the person on how they situation affects them. People can either take the positive or negative route with the hurt, sad feeling. The negative route is pretty obvious. There are the things I mentioned before, drugs, alcohol, physical pain, isolation, etc. There’s so many more negative paths to take and much easier for people to take. I’m not going to say which ones, but I have done/considered some of them. Definitely not one of my prouder moments, but I came out the other side. Awhile ago my mom actually told me this story of how her friend’s son (or brother, it’s been awhile I forget which it is) committed suicide when his long-term girlfriend dumped him and how I should never do that over a girl. Now at the time when I was told this story I was thinking to myself one, what was the point in telling me this and at that point in time and why would I ever do that because a girl broke up with me. However, now, at this point, it’s actually made a bigger impact than I have ever thought. Not saying I’m suicidal or anything, but it helped in other similar regards.

Now I don't think that my problems and issues are the most important thing in the world and it's all about me, but in my own little world where half the time it is all about me (I like my own little world. And no you can't come. Well maybe.) I feel like I've been through a lot. Maybe not external problems, but there have been a lot of internal issues. I'm happy to say though that I've worked out, well with the help of some very good friends of course, most of my problems. Well worked out may not be quite accurate. More like...a work in progress. Some issues people know and some people don't. Some more complex than others. Some I may need help of some friends to get through. Life's interesting isn't it?

One thing I have noticed though is the people that come and go in my life. Plenty of people do that in my life. Some I don’t even notice while others don’t leave quite so quickly or without some lasting effect on me. I’ve come to accept this more readily now. That the time certain people spend in my life is dependent on not only me, but them as well. I could try as hard as I possibly could to hold onto a friendship or someone, but if they don’t try to do the same then it’s just going to die out eventually. Shit happens. All of the people I met at my year at Towson, sad to say, I’ll probably never talk to them anymore, let alone see them or hang out. Some of the people that have really stuck by me have surprised me actually while the others who have stuck by me, I’m not surprised by that fact. Just goes to show you that you really never know where life takes you. If we broke down every time something bad happened to us, we’d lead pretty pathetic lives. I guess basically sometimes even though we want to just wallow in our misery, it’s best to just brush it off and continue on.

I’ve thought many times lately that my life is taking a new direction. The more I think about that the more I realize that while each time my life was taking a new direction, there was also more to it than just that. The whole series of twists and turns were all part of a bigger change in my life. One I didn’t know where I would end up or what was ahead of me. I have a feeling though that I’m finally through all the twists and curves. For now of course. Something just clicked last night. I don’t know what it was or why last night, but something clicked. It was basically like any other night, nothing really special about it, but when I woke up I felt different. I can’t even describe how I feel different. It’s not even that I changed inside either. It’s sort of like I got a new attitude and outlook on things. Like I could finally smile all the time and truly mean it and feel it. It could probably be best described as a state of euphoria. Then I hit a giant brick wall last night by such a tiny thing. Something that shouldn't have even affected me at all, but yet...it did. It was like rolling a snowball down a hill. I was down because of the small thing, then when I realized that tiny little thing was why I got even more down. Then I was back to square one basically so I did what I always do at night when I'm down. Watch random episodes of shows until I fall asleep. In this case I was watching episodes of Garfield. I guess sleep helped because I felt better in the morning....somewhat. I had this scary dream. I literally woke up shaking. The dream actually scares me just to think about it. It was actually quite a long dream and really random in the beginning so I'm just skipping to the end. For some reason, Colleen and Kelsey were over at my house and they were on a laptop surfing the web looking at what I think were pictures of tattoos. Don't really remember. Then I heard something up stairs so I went to go check what it was. When I got upstairs Anthony apparently had a nightmare and was sweating and everything so I took him to the bathroom. When we got there he was still shaking and his eyes were all shifty too so I asked him how many fingers I was holding up. He just raised his hand slightly and kept muttering "No more." So naturally I was extremely freaked out by now and looked over at him and I see a metal pole sticking out from his temple. It then fell out and I just saw a bloody hole. At that point I woke up shaking, thinking to myself Holy shit among other things. Needless to say, that got me out of bed. That was probably one of the most vivid dreams I've ever had that I remembered after I woke up. And the most messed up too. Probably the first time I've actually told one of my dreams. Well part of one.

Why do I seem to get my train of thoughts out much better at work while I’m supposed to be working? I guess you just can’t force yourself to open up sometimes. A lot of people I talked to recently said it’s always better to open up to someone. I started thinking about why I really don’t tend to open up and a few quick reasons came to mind. Not feeling comfortable, shy, the subject of conversation, etc. Then, one reason popped into my head that I never even thought about before. One that I feel is semi-big. That’s what she said. Sorry. Anyways, it’s that I feel like if I open up and share everything about me to someone, in order to feel better or work through my problems or whatnot, that they’ll judge me and maybe not think so highly of me anymore. I know that a true friend wouldn’t mind those things at all and yadda yadda. I honestly don’t know the real me either.

Another thought just occurred to me that I never really thought about before. I’d have to say that pretty much for a majority of my life, I’ve been changing myself to find friends. It’s sad to realize I used to do that. I feel though that all that trying to fit in nonsense caused me to focus more on latching onto other people’s interests and such. Well I guess latching is too negative of a word. More like…taking in. And now I’m having trouble really finding out what I’m interested in. What I like. What I dislike. All that. It’s troubling that I’m making this realization now. That all this time, I really don’t know the real me. That maybe, just maybe, everything I am, want, like (okay maybe not everything) is just what I’ve taken in over the years or is what’s expected of me.

At times I feel that some of these conclusions or thoughts I get may just be stretches I'm making just to make sense of things or to just make myself feel better. Like my brain is trying to find a logical reason as wo why things are a certain way in my life or why I''m feeling a certain way. Maybe it's just all in my head. It is quite possible. I do tend to overthink things...a lot...a whole lot. Another thought, have I really gotten happier now or have I just gotten better at hiding or surpressing it. Eh I'm probably just being ridiculous.
I don't know what the point of getting all of this out and posting it other than that I was bored at work. I do feel better lately though. It's been more uphill than downhill even though there have been both. One thing I have noticed the past few days/week is that I've been more content with myself. All issues aside, just myself. I don't know exactly how to describe what I'm content with exactly.

I'm just gonna smile =)

"I say, when life gives you a lemon, wing it right back and add some lemons of your own!"

"Who? Who is but the form following the function of what and what I am is a man in a mask."

I've come to accept something lately. Who I am and the person that people see me as are becoming very different. However, the thing that has changed isn't the person people see me as, it's the person that I am. The past half year or so have really affected me in ways I never thought would happen to me. Especially recently. Honestly I'm afraid of the future me. But enough with the future, that's all yet to come. Me. I'm going to talk about me. Isn't that exciting?

I actually wrote that first paragraph a couple weeks ago and now I have a little different idea. I mean sure time has gone by and I've changed with time, but relative to my context I don't really believe I have changed or matured. I believe that I am almost the same person now in context with college as I was a freshman in high school. I know it's probably a little confusing as to what I'm trying to say, but in my mind it makes sense. Now that I think about it, that's how a lot of things are with me. My thoughts make perfect sense to me, but when I try to actually verbalize them I sound like a rambling idiot. Back to the main point at hand, I've come to a few conclusions about things lately. One, I really am a needy person despite what anyone else thinks. What I expect of people is usually always more than what should be expected of people. I need certain things from friends and people in order to be happy. Not even happy really, more like the illusion of being happy. I'm not quite sure how to explain what I mean by I'm a needy person. I just am.

Two, I don't forgive or forget all the time. What I mean is I'll forgive someone or something, but I won't forget it. However, since I don't forget it I start to get mad or sad or angry or whatever about it again and stop forgiving the person for it. It's a vicious cycle. I'd like to think I do forgive and forget things about people, but it's just not me anymore. I'll always remember things people did to me. If it's something good though there's nothing to forgive is there? Keep that in mind.

Three, I'm quite pathetic. Yeah yeah it's all about self-esteem and yadda yadda. The things I do all the time scream I have no life and I'm pathetic. Especially when it comes to certain things in my life. At least I've come to accept it. I'd go into details about examples and such, but those things I'm not ready to share yet.

Four, life's being a bitch right now. In many different ways.

Lastly, no one ever wants to let go of something that they hold dear.

I was just watching House and one of the conversations in the episode was good. Basically the background is that a girl got raped and she and House were talking about the pain. The girl says that time will heal everything. We all know that saying that time does heal everything. As bad as anything will ever get, just give it time and you'll feel better. I personally think that's bullshit. I agree with House's reply to that more. He says that doing things changes things. Not doing things leaves things exactly the same. It's actually making that first step to change things and the patience to follow through with that first step that's the most difficult part of healing. Maybe I really am just sitting here waiting for things to change without realizing it.

"Some people come into our lives and quickly go. Some stay for awhile and leave footprints on our hearts. And we are never, ever the same."

As much as I would like to believe this, it's not always true. People come and go into people's lives countless times and even if they do stay awhile, they don't always leave a mark on us. A few weeks ago, this random kid friended me on facebook. Now usually I just ignore random friend requests from people I don't know and if they're from Marriotts Ridge I just accept it even though I might not know them. All those underclassmen going facebook crazy. Anyways, it was different this time bcause this guy sent me a message along with the friend request. Totally didn't realize you could send people a message you weren't friends with. So he sends this message asking if I went to the Julia Brown Montessori School. By now I'm thinking...this is kinda weird. I replied that yeah I did go to that montessori school and I asked how he knew that. He replied with that we were the best of friends from Montessori school until 2nd grade when he moved. Apparently it was one of those everyday is a playdate type of friendship. This got me thinking, how do I not remember any of this? It's not even that I can't remember back that far. I remember a few little things from back that long ago that seem quite random, but I can't remember my apparent best friend? What's up with that? You'd think my only friend from that age would've had a lasting impression on me.

All that makes me wonder who else in my life right now will eventually move on and who will stay in my life. Who will truly make an impression on my life? In 40, 50 years who will i remember as being important to me? I honestly hope to not lose who I'm friends with at this moment. I hate drifting apart from people.

Something else has been on my mind lately. I've wondered why people cheat on their significant other. I mean if you're gonna cheat on the person, you obviously don't love them so why be with them? If you're with that person still for physical reasons that's just shallow. I don't really like where most relationships these days are going. Many of them are not based on love for the other person. I'm not saying every relationship is like that, just quite a few. Like for example, I heard about this couple from a friend that have been going out for two years. So you think that if they've been dating that long there's obviously gotta be something there. Nope. The guy broke up with the girl because they were going to college. Apparently he basically said that he didn't trust himself enough not to cheat on her while at college. I mean like wtf? Seriously? I hope that as a society we really aren't that shallow, but everyday I see more and more reasons that we are all indeed shallow. I don't think anyone is completely devoid of shallowness though you may think you are. As a society we base a lot of things off of personal appearance. That's what 99% of the people look for. Think about it, when you first see or meet someone, you immediately form an opinion about them. What's the thing people look at first? The person's looks and how they dress. Apparently people think that's the best way to judge people. Not gonna lie, I'm guilty of doing that too. Some people say that it's a biological thing for the way we base things off of looks and that we are attracted to and tend to go for people who are attractive because it's instinctual that that is the indication for a good mate. I think it's just an excuse. This posted started off much better than it ended.

Also, apparently I'm going clubbing sometime this summer. I can't see myself clubbing. What did I get myself into?

I really want to take a trip somewhere this summer.

"Life isn't about finding yourself; it's about creating yourself."

I don't know why I'm posting on blogspot really. As if I don't spend enough time on the internet and computer as it is with facebook, xanga, aim, and other random things. Actually now that I think about it, it's not even that I'm really addicted to my computer and internet, I just have nothing else better to do with my time. Every now and then though I'll find something slightly less boring than going to the same websites over and over again. Like yesterday for example. I cleaned my drawers underneath my bed for about an hour instead of going on the computer. In doing so I came across a bunch of my school work from 7th grade. That's right. 7th grade. Doesn't that seem like forever ago? That's like what, 12 years old? Sadly, my handwriting has only improved a little bit since then. It's legible at least, but messy. Anyways, in my effort to throw out some things I was looking through my notes to see if there was anything worth saving and I came across my 7th grade Reading class notebook. On a sidenote, really? Reading class? Did they really have to separate that from English? Ok well back to my main point, in this notebook there were a bunch of quotes that we had to write reflections for. I really like some of the quotes and so I kept it. the quote at the beginning of this is one of the quotes I found. I'd go into the reflection I wrote for it in 7th grade, but it's too stupid. I basically said the same thing over and over again for what I thought the quote meant. Then for how it applied to me...yeah...let's just say my writing has gotten much better at least. I ended every single reflection in that class with "That's how it applies to my life." Original. While throwing everything out, it came across my mind again how much trouble I have letting things go. Everytime I threw something out it felt like I was throwing away something important. Now that it's all thrown out though, it's not that bad. That's just old schoolwork though. It's not that bad or hard to let go. I know I've talked a little bit about how I hold onto things before and it's probably getting a little annoying to people. It's getting ridiculous at times for me too. I'm pretty pathetic sometimes. Most of the time. All the time. Let's go with sometimes. If it isn't worth it in the end...