“I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” -Maya Angelou
I've learned three new things the past few weeks or so. One I let my emotions/feelings control my actions. I've noticed through past experiences and just taking note of how I handle things now that during the moment that I act...well to be honest, quite stupidly. Looking back though I tell myself damn I should've said this or done this instead because I handled it in not the best way. Essentially what this is saying is that I'm quite logical and smart in my actions until they actually matter. Why do I do this? I have a hunch that I just suck at spontaneity (and spelling since it took me three tries to spell that) and just being in the moment that I just say or do the first thing that comes to mind, which in my case is usually the worst decision. This could also stem to my tendency to regret things. In case you haven't noticed, I tend to just do a lot of thinking in my head.
Second thing is that I put others before myself. Well this one doesn't actually fit since I kinda knew this about myself, but sort of ignored it for awhile telling myself it would go away. What I mean by this is if I have a choice between helping out a friend or helping out myself, I'll end up helping out the friend even though it would probably be better to take care of myself first. My mom even told me herself that I should always take care of myself first no matter what other people think of your decision to do so. Even if they end up hating or resenting you for not choosing them, they aren't the ones going home at night, it's you. Just you. If you don't take care of yourself, then you won't be able to choose between the two. Despite hearing this and knowing that I should follow it, it's just one of those things that I have difficulty changing about myself. Really I just think that it's because I'm just too nice. I can't say no. Well I could, but it just makes me incredibly uncomfortable saying no knowing the other person will walk away disappointed. I'm just that nice guy. I don't want to be that nice guy though. I want to be able to actually stand up for myself. I want to be my own person and not what other people expect me to be. Turns out it's a lot harder than I thought for me to not be that nice guy who puts everyone else before him.
Three, accepting what you cant change doesnt mean it doesnt still affect you. I've definitely come to grips with if you can't change it then you might as well accept it. However, as I've found out that even if you accept that nothing you do will change it, it will still affect you in different ways. For me it doesn't make it any easier dealing with it. Still makes me just as depressed. I'm a giant mess, yay!
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