minhpho

"I smell the smelly smell of something that smells smelly." -Spongebob

These past few days have been kinda rough for me. Here's to hoping things improve in the upcoming week.

“The best thing about dreams is that fleeting moment, when you are between asleep and awake, when you don't know the difference between reality and fantasy, when for just that one moment you feel with your entire soul that the dream is reality, and it really happened.”

 I had the weirdest dream last night, but not weird like acid trippy, but weird as in totally unexpected. It was one of those dreams where during the dream everything seems real, but then you wake up extremely confused as to what you're doing. I have a feeling my subconscious is trying to tell me something with this dream because it seemed to be about what's been on my mind lately. However, dealing with it would require doing something I refuse to do. They say forgiving doesn't mean you're wrong, but that you are able to put other things before your ego. Ok well maybe in this case I am putting my ego in front of other things, but it's harder to bring myself to do that than it seems. Maybe I'm just letting my stubbornness get the best of me...

“Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.” -Neil Gaiman


That's quite a long quote isn't it? Anyways so it appears that the blizzard of '10 is pretty much over. At least that's what the weather report says, no more snow accumulation after 3am, but with heavy winds still going on. I must say I enjoyed this week and despised it at the same time. The good parts of this week: got my homework done, got a little workout shoveling snow, relaxed (or hibernated whatever you want to call it), got through some of my tv shows, and was able to do some thinking. The bad part of this week: was able to do some thinking. Thinking for me is a double-edged sword. While it gives me a chance to self-reflect, which we learned in elementary school (well I did at least) is a good thing to do as a means of self-improvement. Who couldn't do with a little self-improvement every now and then? As for me, I've come to accept that it's pointless for me to set these little goals or things I should start doing that I know I won't be able to do. Call it poor self-control or just being stubborn and holding onto the old, but I've realized 90% of the things that I tell myself to do I end up sticking with for about a week and then stopping. So why set myself up for failure? Reasonable goals are more likely to succeed than ones where I've set myself up to fail. I've also accepted the things I can't change. Sure I can try to be what I feel to be the perfect person, but everyone has their faults even if they don't think so. There are just some things I know I won't be able to change, but those things are what make me me....right?

“We all have different desires and needs, but if we don't discover what we want from ourselves and what we stand for, we will live passively and unfulfilled.” -Bill Watterson


I seem to be thinking a lot about the past lately and for a couple reasons. I'm not over my past in more than one way. I haven't moved on towards the future. I haven't stopped caring about things I can't change. Most importantly, and probably the most pathetic, I can't forget the people who came into my life and are no longer a part of it. Some may understand what I mean by that while the rest can just think about it in generalities. People never seem to have to same understanding and meaning of the past. Some people do everything in their power to forget the past completely. Sometimes to run away from something or maybe because they decided to have a new beginning. Others place a lot of focus on the past. Learning from it or reliving the important moments of our lives. For me? I'm the person who knows that they're doing something bad for oneself, but I keep on doing it because I'm obviously a pathetic dumbass. Look on the bright side though, 27 days until Final Fantasy 13 because I'd rather be distracted by the lives of video game characters than realize what the truth of myself is.

“Tell me I'm clever, Tell me I'm kind, Tell me I'm talented, Tell me I'm cute, Tell me I'm sensitive, Graceful and wise, Tell me I'm perfect-- But tell me the truth.” -Shel Silverstein

I've come to realize two things. The first of which is that I'm quite a a judgemental person. Never to the person's face, but on the inside I'm forming my opinion of the person. I'll give you an example. One of my friends recently was telling me about how she went out partying the night before and then the rest of that night was spent puking. The next day she complained how crazy hungover she was. Now she's a good friend of mine and I think she's a good person overall. However, I honestly didn't have much sympathy for her in that case. No one made her start drinking. No one made her drink that much. She chose to do all that herself so in that moment I just began to think to myself wow. That was just bad. Now I still think she's a good person who now likes to party a bit too much, but this moment will always come up and make me rethink it all. I know I'm not a perfect person either and I have my faults, but I still judge people. I think we inherently do this to make ourselves feel better about ourselves. We judge others so that we either don't have to deal with our own faults or because we think we're better than others or maybe even that we're perfect. Who knows... The second thing being I still don't know if I'm happy.

Instead of a quote I decided to go with a strip from my all time favorite comic, Calvin and Hobbes. Lucky you! I was gonna actually talk about junk, but realized it sounded too depressing so I'm not going to. Instead I'll talk about what I'm looking forward to. Rush week, which is this upcoming week. Driving, which I always love to do. I realized that cars and motorcycles will be my hobby. Summer. That's about it. My life pretty much just needs a jumpstart.