minhpho

“If there is anything the nonconformist hates worse than a conformist, it's another nonconformist who doesn't conform to the prevailing standard of nonconformity.” -Bill Vaughn


Day 9 Where do you see yourself in 10 years?


Why are there so many similar questions... see this post.

"He who knows others is wise. He who knows himself is enlightened." -Lao Tzu


Day 2 Who are you in comparison to who you used to be. What made you change?


I am me. I am always changing even when I'm sitting around doing nothing or when I'm doing something like this. One of the major changes I'd say would be my priorities in life. Instead of just focusing on my current needs or desires, I look ahead to the future. I focusing on bettering myself as a person and individual not for others, but for myself. Why? Because I enjoy it.

Let's see now, I got up at 6. Fell back asleep and woke up around 7. Exchanged some e-mails with my friend before climbing out of bed to try to find something to do. Found nothing so I climbed back into bed, did some more e-mail exchanging, watched a show on my laptop, took a shower. Made french toast sticks and a scrambled eggs sandwich. Well toasted up the french toast sticks, but close enough. Then talked on the phone a bit with the same friend. Blank period in my day. Then went to Barnes and Noble with a friend and then to the mall. Went home to eat and then played Call of Duty for a little bit and now writing this post. If today was the last day of my life, I wouldn't be satisfied afterwards. If I had started out the day knowing that this would be the last day of my life, I'd do so many things regardless of the risks or consequences because they wouldn't matter. I know people say live each day as if it's your last, but let's be honest here, you can't do that. If people did that, then people would act without regards to others and do things solely for their own desire. So more realistically, I'd say people should live outside the box, but not too far or live your life on the edge without going over. Something like that. The one thing I know I'd do for sure if I knew I was going to die would be to rent or find a really fast nice car and then drive it as fast as I can down roads. Then do the same with a motorcycle.

Wow giant fail by me. I sorta forgot about this since I was so busy with school stuff, but I'm taking a quick break from studying physics and so I'll write days 25-30 really quickly. Sorry for no quote or picture this post either.

Day 25: Someone who fascinates me and why

To me, girls are fascinating. I know it's not technically "someone", but it still works. I think that innate curiosity into the opposite sex has been one of the reasons why I enjoy hanging out around girls. Girls are great company and are entertaining. Being in my dialogue about men and women just helped my increase that interest. Learning more helps my understanding and improving that area of my life would be nice.

Day 26: What kind of person attracts me

Hmm. I honestly don't really have this image of my "perfect" woman. There are certain traits that if a girl has them, I'll take notice of that and then I'll be like damn, I like that part of her. However, those things aren't a certainty in if I'm attracted to a girl or not. When I look at a girl to see if I'm attracted to her, it is partly does she have this trait or that, but also is she not like this or that. A girl could have all the perfect traits that I enjoy, but if she also has a bunch of things about her that I can't stand, it just wouldn't work.

Day 27: A problem that I have had

This is pretty general. The first thing that comes to mind at the moment is school since I'm studying right now. I've always had a problem taking tests. For some reason my brain hates retaining important information like notes and loves retaining useless information. Really I've always struggled with doing well on them, but in high school and such I've been able to still do well. In college, however, it's really starting to show it's ugly head whenever I have an exam just because everything's a lot harder now.

Day 28: Something that I miss

I miss being close to people. I definitely feel like I've drifted apart from some of my closest friends and haven't been able to fix that or replace that gap in my life yet.

Day 29: Goals for the next 30 days

Well my friend actually followed through with his deal with himself that he'd make a move on this girl before the end of the semester. So I think it'd be a nice idea for me to add it to my goals, but since I'm not really interested in any girls I know right now it's a long shot. My next goal is to start kicking school's ass. I just need to try harder and harder each semester and soon enough I'll be back on track. Also, figure out my future. I don't know what I want to do. Medical school? Graduate school? I don't even know what I want to be when I grow up still since there are so many options.

Day 30: My highs and lows of this month

High: It's sad that nothing comes to mind.
Lows: Also sad that a lot more lows come to mind than highs. Current low though, going back to studying now and pulling an all nighter.

“It's the movies that have really been running things in America ever since they were invented. They show you what to do, how to do it, when to do it, how to feel about it, and how to look how you feel about it.” -Andy Warhol


Day 24: My favorite movie and what it's about.


I can't really pick out a one favorite movie. I just have a lot of movies that I love to watch. However, if I was to only be able to watch one movie for the rest of my life it would be a close tie between Ocean's Eleven and V for Vendetta so I'll discuss both. Ocean's Eleven is about a thief named Daniel Ocean who just got out of jail and is already formulating up a plan to steal $150 million from three casinos, which happen to be owned by the guy who is now dating his ex-wife. What I love about this movie is how ingenious it is. Not only the actual plot and plan, but also the way it was done. The sequels were ehh. V for Vendetta on the other hand is about a vigilante named V and a women named Evey. Evey discovers her true self and about V's past as V goes through his plans to free Britain for its totalitarian rule. I don't really know what about this movie gets me, but I always enjoy watching it. I highly recommend either one.

The lost world

"A girl should be two things: classy and fabulous." -Coco Chanel


Day 23: Give 5 pictures of girls who are famous that I find attractive


1) Yvonne Strahovski. What isn't to like about her?

"The doors we open and close each day decide the lives we live." -Flora Whittemore

Day 22: How have I changed in the past 2 years?

Well...I don't really know how I have changed, but I do know I have. For me it's hard to gauge change if I'm experiencing it every single day. I'd like to think I've become more mature, but I know I'm still doing stupid things. I'd like to think that I've become more open to things, which actually I do feel is true. I definitely do feel as though I'm more open minded than I was before. However, I still procrastinate, I still have bad self-control, and I'm still naive. Of course I still have plenty of time in my life to change myself for the better. Like I said before, I don't notice these changes usually. On rare occasions, when I do notice that I've changed for the better I get a feeling of accomplishment, which is great.

Hold hands

"It's exciting in the same way that being shot at is exciting" -Jeremy Clarkson


Day 21: One of my favorite shows.


I actually have a few contenders for my favorite show. However, one show I do tend to enjoy no matter the episode or whenever I happen to be watching and that show is Top Gear. I absolutely love this show. One, it's about cars, which makes it cool. Also it's not just your run of the mill car show, it's actually really entertaining and funny because they go way over the top with automotive concepts. Such as building an amphibious car to cross the English Channel, or to find out if a car or plane is faster in delivering a truffle, or having stars drive around their track in a reasonably priced car. It's just all around good fun. This show keeps my love for cars alive because I've actually learned some things from the show. See? Entertaining and educational...ish. In fact instead of one of my photos, here's a picture of the The Stig.

The Stig

“The difference between school and life? In school, you're taught a lesson and then given a test. In life, you're given a test that teaches you a lesson.” -Tom Bodett


Day 20: How important I think education is.


Well what kind of question is that? Of course I think education is important. You can't expect to be successful in life without some form of education. It doesn't necessarily mean you have to go to college and graduate school or whatnot. I just think that it means you have to invest some time in expanding your knowledge base because it's important to be a well-rounded individual. For this reason I like the idea of CORE classes for graduation. What I don't like is being told which areas I have to expand myself in. I know what interests me and what extra things I want to learn. Also while I do procrastinate a lot and say how much I hate school, I do understand the importance of why I'm in college and spending all this money to learn. The more I learn just means I'll have more doors open to me in the future and hopefully it also equates to a bigger paycheck and a job I love doing.

Bromancing

“Parents can only give good advice or put them on the right paths, but the final forming of a person's character lies in their own hands.” -Anne Frank


Day 19: Disrespecting your parents.


I'll admit I have in the past disrespected my parents on some occasions, which I'm not particularly proud of. I think it is important to respect your parents because, well, they're your parents. Even if you may not always agree on things, the important thing is to always respect them and treat them with respect because after all, when you're a parent, wouldn't you want your kids to treat you with respect?

Hiding

“It is my belief, you cannot deal with the most serious things in the world unless you understand the most amusing” -Winston Churchill


Day 18: My beliefs.


Beliefs can mean a lot of different things to people. It could apply to religion or anything else. For example, I believe that there are such things as ghosts or spirits. I've seen and heard of things that have gone down and it makes sense. Religion wise I don't have a set of beliefs that are my own. I'm not a big religious person and so I've never paid attention to the different beliefs of the world. It's not that I won't say anything more about my beliefs at this point, but more I can't. I'm still growing up and experiencing the world and shaping my own set of beliefs that define who I am. So for now I just think of my beliefs as a work in progress.

Where to?

“Time is the justice that examines all offenders.” -William Shakespeare


Day 17: My highs and lows of this past year.


I can't really pick out one specific high of the past year. There have been more lows than highs this past year. As for my lowest point of the past year see my Day 5 post.

Thirsty?

“Music speaks what cannot be expressed, soothes the mind and gives it rest, heals the heart and makes it whole, flows from heaven to the soul.”


Day 16: My views on mainstream music.


I don't mind mainstream music. Sometimes mainstream music has some good stuff. Though now mostly I don't tend to listen to mainstream music just because when I do I happen to listen to the radio more often than usual and the radio overplays every single song. This in turn causes me to despise songs that would've otherwise been good. Like Airplanes ft. Hayley Williams by B.o.B. When I first found it on one of the music blogs I follow I loved it. Then I listened to the radio for a bit because I couldn't connect my ipod in my car temporarily. I probably heard it at least 4 times an hour on every station. Now I never feel like listening to it. In essence mainstream music is good because it gives a lot of artists exposure to really help propel their music careers forward, but at the same time all they care about is making money. What I like about underground music and music most people don't know about is that their main goal isn't making money, but more about making tracks that are good.

Calm

“The best way to waste your life, ... is by taking notes. The easiest way to avoid living is to just watch. Look for the details. Report. Don't participate.” -Chuck Palahniuk


Day 15: My favorite blogs.


I have a few blogs that I read on a constant basis and some just every now and then.


1) Hype Machine: Not really a blog per se, but it's a collection of music blogs. I go here every now and then to see what new music has come out.


2) Abduzeedo: Originally I came to this site for the photoshop tutorials, but now I go here to just take a look at art work that they've gathered and sort of serves as inspiration for ideas for me.


3) Pigeons and Planes: This is another music blog that I go to for music. Most of the stuff I don't actually like, but the ones I do find that I like are awesome


4) Hyperbole and a Half: This just makes me laugh. My friend Colleen showed me this.


5) Uncrate: There's so many cool gadgets out there. I love this site. The only bad thing is that most of the things are quite costly and I really want them.


6) Happiness In This World: This is just a thought provoking blog. Plus the guy's a doctor so it's relevant too!

Forever changing

“Our memories are the only paradise from which we can never be expelled.” -Jean Paul Richter


Day 14: My earliest memory


My earliest memory would have to be when I was really young at my old house next to Long Gate Shopping Center. This was when my mom would cut mine and my brothers hair at home instead of going out to a barber. This particular memory was when I was forcibly being given a buzz cut because apparently it's thought that everyone should have one at least once in their life. It was a hot summer day and I was watching tv waiting for my turn. When it was my turn for my haircut I of course didn't want to go because as a kid television is the most important thing I do everyday. I didn't even want to sit in the chair period. Partly because I didn't want to get my hair cut, but also partly because it was an old wooden fold up chair, which means it was wobbly and uncomfortable. Eventually I sat still long enough to get my haircut and then I promptly ran outside to play. 

Fly away

"The World is a book, and those who do not travel only read a page." -Saint Augustine

Day 13: Somewhere I'd like to stay or visit

As I mentioned in the Day 6 post, I would love to visit Europe. The culture and just the beauty of the entire continent is just awe inspiring. Honestly I don't really know how to describe how much I want to go there now that I can actually enjoy and appreciate my surroundings there. Also I've decided to start adding one of my photos to each entry in addition to the quote. It's my way of forcing my photos out there.

Can you feel it?

“You had better live your best and act your best and think your best today; for today is the sure preparation for tomorrow and all the other tomorrows that follow” -Harriet Martineau


Day 12: Bullet my day

• Woke up late and missed my first class. Wonderful start to the day.
• Got to ENES100 and worked on my group's hovercraft. Didn't really accomplish much.
• Took a quiz in physics. Still have no idea what phasors are or how to do phasor diagrams. Bad sign for my exam Monday.
• Didn't do much besides take notes in ENES102.
• Went to work. Studied a bit there since there is never anything to really do there.
• Left work early to do community service for DEM. Went to Food and Friends in DC, which is a really fun community service actually when with the right people.
• Then I had a DEM meeting afterwards, which I left early to go home and study. 
• I drove home and studied and then slept.

"Music and rhythm find their way into the secret places of the soul." -Plato


Day 11: My iTunes on shuffle

1. Bottoms up ft. Nicki Minaj by Trey Songz
2. My girl by Clay Aiken
3. Nothing lasts forever by Maroon 5
4. Letitbe by Dyme Def
5. Where you are by California Swag District
6. We can get it on ft. Ciara by Yo Gotti
7. Worry about you by 2AM Club
8. Mirror's edge (Remix) ft. Bun B, GLC, and Mike Posner by XV
9. Higher by J. Cole
10. Tighten up by The Black Keys

"Any man who can drive safely while kissing a pretty girl is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves." -Albert Einstein

"I never think of the future. It comes soon enough." -Albert Einstein

Day 9: How I hope my future will be

I'm not really sure what this is saying and how it's different from where I think I'll be in 10 years. So I'm gonna skip this one. It's obviously not because I'm actually behind on this 30 day challenge and am trying to catch up. It's nothing like that.

“Look at a day when you are supremely satisfied at the end. It's not a day when you lounge around doing nothing; it's when you've had everything to do, and you've done it.”


Day 8: A moment when I most felt satisfied with my life


I would have to say when I became a member of Delta Epsilon Mu. Literally one of the best decisions of my life. I love the people and the group. It gave me a group of people that I could give me support and hang out with. As simple as that. Good time that was.

“There are many methods for predicting the future. For example, you can read horoscopes, tea leaves, tarot cards, or crystal balls. Collectively, these methods are known as "nutty methods." Or you can put well-researched facts into sophisticated computer models, more commonly referred to as "a complete waste of time.” -Scott Adams


Day 7: My zodiac sign


I don't know much about horoscopes and zodiac signs or any of that mumbo jumbo. Meaning I had to actually look up what my zodiac sign meant. According to references from Wikipedia, "Capricorn is the tenth sign of the Zodiac, and it is a sign that focuses its energy on hard work, believing that this is the only way they can climb the stairs of life. People born under this sign show great discipline and ambition, they are determined and don't give up on their goals. Capricorns don't lose touch with reality and their practical sense prevents them from taking on more than they can handle." Eh can't say I really agree with it all too much. While I do try to focus a lot of my energy on working hard it doesn't always end up that way. Like now for instance. I should be studying, which I was, but I'm taking a break to write this post. I have random bursts of super concentration, but very few. Great discipline and determined...yeah not so much either. Again, I try, but I usually fall short. Those two things are basically self-control. Am I able to control my actions to do what I need to do or want to do. The answer is no. I've already accepted I have horrible self-control. I'll end this post with my horoscope for today, which I got from Yahoo. "You can plow your way through almost anything today, and expect to get all the way through without any trouble. It's a really good time for you to bump up your productivity and meet deadlines."

“He who knows others is wise. He who knows himself is enlightened.” -Lao Tzu

Day 6: 30 facts about me

1. I'm good at hiding what's going on inside myself. Pretty much I'm good at putting a mask on to hide the truth.
2. I get easily discouraged. The few times I'm not are when I really am excited about doing whatever it is.
3. Getting into photography was a pleasant surprise for me. I never thought I would actually take it up as an actual hobby with legit gear. Speaking of which if anyone wants to model for me lemme know, I want to try out shooting with people.
4. I spend too much time on my computer and because of this I'm more comfortable talking to people through my computer than in person. Not saying I don't want to talk to people in person, but if it's about say something personal or something difficult to talk about then I would rather do it not in person. Maybe it's just because I'd rather not be looking into the persons eyes for fear of being judged.
5. Looking back on the entry about the time I thought about ending my life, I now admit that I have cut myself once. 
6. I will get a motorcycle. At some point in my life I will get one. I don't care. I know it's dangerous, but it looks so damn enjoyable. It'll be my guilty pleasure
7. I view people around me as being perfect, which really doesn't help. I don't see them as having flaws. Only until I see or hear them doing something that shows their flaws do I start to lower my view. 
8. I try to be a gentleman all the time. Notice how I said try.
9. I enjoy my alone time a lot. During these times I usually go out on a phototrip by myself, read a book, or just sit around and listen to my ipod. Sometimes I like to have my alone time around other people too. Sounds a little weird, but just being around people is a comfort to me.
10. I think about my past relationships way too much.
11. I thoroughly enjoy a good discussion with people. By discussion I mean a serious thoughtful discussion about something meaningful. Or in simpler terms, a heart to heart. I love them because I enjoy the conversation and getting closer to the person.
12. Trust is one of the things I value most in any form of a relationship.
13. I sometimes feel like I'm having panic attacks. I usually just wait until it goes away though. Not quite sure what to do about it.
14. Doing this 30 facts about me is just reminding me about the Tell me about yourself question that will be asked during medical school interviews, which in turn makes me want to crawl into a hole and never come out.
15. I'm doing this 30 day thing out of order because as I try to catch up I tend to focus more on the ones I enjoy doing. They end up being also the more interesting posts.
16. Girls confuse the crap out of me. No one will ever understand why they do what they do. Even them.
17. I feel inadequate to the people around me.
18. I do that whole inner dialogue thing. I have entire conversations, interactions, and discussions in my head. Everything plays out in my head instead of actually doing it.
19. I wish I was more connected to my culture and could also speak vietnamese.
20. I try to please everybody, but that means sometimes it's not the best for me.
21. I have lots of trouble sleeping nowadays.
22. I hate being a shy kid. It's hard for me to change.
23. There is nothing better than taking my hammock, laying out in my backyard on a sunny and breezy spring day, reading a good book, and listening to my ipod.
24. Since I don't drink and I don't like large crowds I don't go out. While I do think that if I can't have fun sober then what's the point, it raises the question what if I just can't have fun?
25. Top Gear is my favorite show of all time. Love watching it anytime.
26. I honestly don't know that much about religion or politics or any of those sorts of things that everybody is so opinionated about.
27. I wish I could just travel across Europe for a summer with my camera.
28. I always wonder if I'm making the right life decisions.
29. I hate awkward silences.
30. This is one of the hardest entries I've done in awhile. I honestly had trouble doing 30 substantive facts.

"The best any human can do is to pick a delusion that helps him get through the day." -God's Debris by Scott Adams

“The unreal is more powerful than the real, because nothing is as perfect as you can imagine it. because its only intangible ideas, concepts, beliefs, fantasies that last. stone crumbles. wood rots. people, well, they die. but things as fragile as a thought, a dream, a legend, they can go on and on.” -Chuck Palahniuk


Day Three: My views on drugs and alcohol.


Drugs and alcohol are pretty much everywhere. Alcohol especially in college. My view on drugs and alcohol is that it's your body and you can do what you want with it. However, you're going to have to live with the consequences of doing that. I don't look down on people who do or anything like that because that's their choice. Who am I to judge them? Now I personally have never done any drugs or alcohol and proud of myself for that fact. When I tell people that I've never had alcohol before in my life they usually jump to two conclusions. One, that I hate drinking and the people who do and two, that I just don't like the taste of alcohol. I normally just brush it off and say I just don't drink and that's that, but in reality, the reason is is it's just my choice. I've chosen not to partake in those things because I feel it's unnecessary. I don't need to drink to have fun. If I do, then I'm not going down the right path that I want. What really gets me though is that it's basically the norm in college to basically start drinking your freshman year (or at senior week for us HoCo people). Why has this sort of behavior become the norm of our society? My real question is just why? Why do people feel the need to drink? Again, I'm not trying to make myself seem better than people who do, I just don't understand the appeal. I think TFLN basically sums it up quite well. There's the taste (sometimes), the throwing up, hangovers, drunken actions, etc. Not my thing. The fact that drinking happens to take place at big parties is only a small part of the reason too why I don't since I'm not a big fan of big parties. I've made my choice and you've made yours. That's all there is to it.

“My interest is in the future because I am going to spend the rest of my life there” -Charles F. Kettering


Day Two: Where I'd like to be in ten years.


Unrealistically, I'd like to be a multibillionaire, married to my perfect woman, happy as can be, and doing whatever my heart desires. Realistically, I'd like to be done with school, starting a job I like doing, be in a meaningful relationship, and be generally happy. Those seem like pretty simple and attainable goals right? Right. I like to set easy goals I know I can reach. Be done with school in ten years? Depending on what area of medicine I want to pursue I can do that. I think most residencies are around 4 years or so. So after two more years of undergrad, 4 of medical school and around 4 years for my residency if it's that long and I'll just barely make my goal. It's crazy to think that depending on the required residency time, I may or may not still be "learning" when I'm almost 30 in a decade. Sure it's not the typical school, but since I'm still learning it still counts. Also, this doesn't take into account if I don't get into medical school and have to reapply after gaining for experience. I'd also like to think that after spending all this time around other doctors, I'll have found some job somewhere that I like to do. Since yesterday's topic was relationships it was still fresh on my mind and so I had to include it in where I'd like to be in ten years. I know it's not really the most important thing, but I definitely wouldn't mind being with a special someone at that point in my life. The generally happy though is objective. It all really depends on what my definition is of "happy" now and in the future. I know for a fact that my definition of happy will change in the next decade, the only question is will I meet those new standards in ten years or not. I'm fairly confident though that I will be generally happy in ten years. I'll have gotten through most of school, become more mature, living on my own, and just creating my own life for myself. That all may be scary, but it's also exciting and that's why I think I'll be happy then. While the new and unknown scare the crap out of me and make me super nervous, it's exciting to forge my own path in life. I still wish though that sometimes I could redo some of the decisions in the past.

"I have more trouble with myself than with any other man I've met." -D.L. Moody


So it's been awhile since I've posted and I've seen a bunch of people do these and it seems like a good way for me to get back into the blogging mode. And some have told me I should do this. I figure after doing it I'll be more inclined to actually finish entries rather than leave them unfinished for months to come and never come back to them. What am I referring to? These 30 day blogging challenges that are all over the place. I've seen a bunch of different ones, but I just picked this one since it wasn't just post your favorite whatever each day. That's boring. So here's the list:


Day 01 - Your current relationship, if single discuss how single life is.
Day 02 - Where you’d like to be in 10 years.
Day 03 - Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 04 - Your views on religion.
Day 05 - A time you thought about ending your own life.
Day 06 - Write 30 interesting facts about yourself.
Day 07 - Your zodiac sign and if you think it fits your personality.
Day 08 - A moment you felt the most satisfied with your life.
Day 09 - How you hope your future will be like.
Day 10 - Discuss your first love and first kiss.
Day 11 - Put your ipod on shuffle and write 10 songs that pop up.
Day 12 - Bullet your whole day.
Day 13 - Somewhere you’d like to move or visit.
Day 14 - Your earliest memory.
Day 15 - Your favorite blogs.
Day 16 - Your views on mainstream music.
Day 17 - Your highs and lows of this past year.
Day 18 - Your beliefs.
Day 19 - Disrespecting your parents.
Day 20 - How important you think education is.
Day 21 - One of your favorite shows.
Day 22 - How have you changed in the past 2 years?
Day 23 - Give pictures of 5 girls who are famous who you find attractive.
Day 24 - Your favorite movie and what it’s about.
Day 25 - Someone who fascinates you and why.
Day 26 - What kind of person attracts you.
Day 27 - A problem that you have had.
Day 28 - Something that you miss.
Day 29 - Goals for the next 30 days.
Day 30 - Your highs and lows of this month.


Day One: My current relationship, if single discuss how single life is.


Thus I'll start today with Day 1. So...my relationship status. According to the almighty Facebook, I'm single. I'm not gonna lie, I want a relationship as much as anybody else. However, I've come to the conclusion that having one right now would be a bad idea. First and foremost, I don't feel I've reached the maturity level yet for the kinds of relationships I'm looking for. I don't remember if I touched upon this on a previous post or not, but my entire life I've always felt a step behind everyone else in maturity and just felt smaller in general in comparison to everyone else. I attribute that to the fact that I was quite a bit younger than other people in my grade and being the shy kid I am. This lapse in maturity has led me to believe that I currently don't have the emotional or mental maturity to have a meaningful relationship. I dunno, I could always be wrong about this too, but I guess we'll never know. Secondly, I've started having trust issues some time ago. It's complicated. Well...not really. It's just simply I don't trust people as much as I did before. I was (and kinda still am) naive and believe pretty much whatever people told me, which turned around to bite me in the ass. Thirdly, I'm still too shy to actually approach girls or make a move if somehow I made it past the introductions. I told myself I'd work on this, but you know what? It's damn tough to get over nerves when approaching a beautiful girl. Fourthly, I don't even know if fourthly is correct, but thats not the real fourth point. The real point is that girls are confusing. It's that simple. Fifthly, I just wanted to have a fifthly. Sixthly, I'm just messing with you, this is the end of the post.

"Tell me who admires you and loves you, and I will tell you who you are." -Charles Augustin Sainte-Beuve

“I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” -Maya Angelou

I've learned three new things the past few weeks or so. One I let my emotions/feelings control my actions.  I've noticed through past experiences and just taking note of how I handle things now that during the moment that I act...well to be honest, quite stupidly. Looking back though I tell myself damn I should've said this or done this instead because I handled it in not the best way. Essentially what this is saying is that I'm quite logical and smart in my actions until they actually matter. Why do I do this? I have a hunch that I just suck at spontaneity (and spelling since it took me three tries to spell that) and just being in the moment that I just say or do the first thing that comes to mind, which in my case is usually the worst decision. This could also stem to my tendency to regret things. In case you haven't noticed, I tend to just do a lot of thinking in my head.

Second thing is that I put others before myself. Well this one doesn't actually fit since I kinda knew this about myself, but sort of ignored it for awhile telling myself it would go away. What I mean by this is if I have a choice between helping out a friend or helping out myself, I'll end up helping out the friend even though it would probably be better to take care of myself first. My mom even told me herself that I should always take care of myself first no matter what other people think of your decision to do so. Even if they end up hating or resenting you for not choosing them, they aren't the ones going home at night, it's you. Just you. If you don't take care of yourself, then you won't be able to choose between the two. Despite hearing this and knowing that I should follow it, it's just one of those things that I have difficulty changing about myself. Really I just think that it's because I'm just too nice. I can't say no. Well I could, but it just makes me incredibly uncomfortable saying no knowing the other person will walk away disappointed. I'm just that nice guy. I don't want to be that nice guy though. I want to be able to actually stand up for myself. I want to be my own person and not what other people expect me to be. Turns out it's a lot harder than I thought for me to not be that nice guy who puts everyone else before him.

Three, accepting what you cant change doesnt mean it doesnt still affect you. I've definitely come to grips with if you can't change it then you might as well accept it. However, as I've found out that even if you accept that nothing you do will change it, it will still affect you in different ways. For me it doesn't make it any easier dealing with it. Still makes me just as depressed. I'm a giant mess, yay!

"One measure of friendship consists not in the number of things friends can discuss, but in the number of things they need no longer mention." -Clifton Fadiman


If I was being 100% honest with myself for once, I would honestly say that no, I'm not happy.